Requiem for a Mario
by blacksand1
Summary: Two temporally/culturally displaced Avengers, one NES, one classic Mario game. Only one thing can ensue from this combination. Gen, rated T mostly just for language and supreme idiocy.


Steve Rogers and Thor Odinson stared at the vintage Nintendo Entertainment System (straight from a box in Tony Stark's closet labeled 'nostalgia: only open in case of midlife crisis') like it was about to eat them. Which was even more ridiculous than it sounded when one recalled the vast number of dangerous things and people the two Avengers had stared down without batting an eyelash. This could mean only two things; one, the NES was the greatest threat to humanity of all time, or two, Steve and Thor were about to have another wacky experience with modern technology. Despite how the NES had suspisciously survived Tony's destructive childhood and how the device definitely knew more than it let on, all other signs pointed to option number two.

"Tony, you never really said why we're supposed to be playing with this contraption," Steve noted, crouching down warily to give the console a closer inspection.

"_Well_," Tony began as he worked through the logistics of hooking up the retro gaming system to the state of the art flat screen TV, "Clint and I play Halo every Tuesday night, but since he sucks at the game-" "Bull_shit _Stark, you're garbage." "- Don't believe his lies, he's just trying to tear the team apart. As I was _saying_, I needed a challenge and you can never do enough team bonding, so now Halo night includes everyone. Except Bruce because we don't need to see him hulk out over getting his ass kicked in Halo. Natasha knows how to play-"

"And I know how to play better than anyone in here," Natasha added, smirking over at Clint. He just glared right back at her, quietly vowing to teabag her at every opportunity next Tuesday.

Tony dusted his hands off as he finished connecting everything, then continued, "That only leaves you two, and we're all _quite _aware of your 'fish out of water' shtick. So I'm starting you two off with the O.G.," on that abbreviation, Tony whipped out a well-worn and well-loved game cartridge with a little 8-bit man in overalls on the front, "Super Mario Bros."

Thor took the cartridge from Tony and studied it from several different angles with his eyebrows furrowed, and as he did Steve frowned and remarked, "O.G. stands for 'original gangster' if I'm remembering right…" He looked up at Tony, his expression as earnest as could be; "Tony, I don't think I'm comfortable playing a game where I control a member of the Italian mafia."

Tony's left eyebrow shot up as high as it could go; "Well then you are going to _hate _Grand Theft Auto." Steve blanched at the mention of the title; "Steve, O.G. is just an expression, Mario isn't really a gangster. He's a plumber."

Thor cocked his head to the side and wondered, "What exactly _is _a 'plumber'?"

"It's a title of a kind of wizard that maintains the magic of indoor plumbing," Tony replied absently. "Y'know, toilets and stuff."

Thor grinned the large, somewhat stupid grin the Avengers had come to expect of him, and the God responded brightly, "Ah, I see! So this Mario is of a noble profession! And what exactly is his quest?"

Tony just shrugged; "He's going through the Mushroom Kingdom to save his girlfriend Princess Peach from a dragon called Bowser."

Thor's grin nearly doubled in size, and he clapped Steve on the back, booming, "Do not fret, Steven! We will be aiding a noble quest! Come, let us assist Mario in retrieving his maiden fair!"

Steve grimaced; "I'm still not sure about this…"

Tony got down at Steve's eye level and said in a stern, serious voice, "Steve, if you promise to just get through this game, we will watch The Wizard of Oz on movie night. _Just _for you."

Steve narrowed his eyes and paused for a long while before he finally responded, "You drive a hard bargain, Stark. Alright, show us how to get going." Tony's face split into a lopsided grin, and the millionaire booted up the game with an ease gained only by people who spent every spare moment of their childhood around a NES. The primitive 8-bit graphics filled the screen; the god and the supersoldier were transfixed, eyes shining with a childlike awe.

Tony handed Steve and Thor the controllers, and as he did he made sure to say, "I've got it on two-player mode, which basically means when Steve dies it's Thor's turn and vice-versa. So yeah, go for it." Steve nodded and started up the game.

Immediately Steve began a running, muttering commentary; "Okay, so these arrow buttons- okay yeah they make me move… There are blocks in the sky with no support. How…? Never mind they're probably not important… What's that little brown thing?"

"It looks unfriendly, Steven. I think you must avoid it or destroy it, my friend." Steve promptly ran right into the Goomba and died a terrible death as Mario shouted 'mama mia!'. Natasha, Tony and Clint promptly hung their heads in shame.

"What? How was I supposed to kill that thing? All I can do is move left and right!" Steve exclaimed, raking his hands through his hair in frustration.

Tony rubbed his temples and sputtered, "Steve… how did you not figure out about the jump button? It's… It's right there. It's A. How did you…" Steve blinked a few times and looked from the controller to the screen and back before Thor began to play, stomping the Goomba with ease.

"What? Wait, that one didn't count I barely got started! Thor, give me the controller."

"I apologize Steven, but we cannot afford to make mistakes on the quest to liberate the Mushroom Kingdom… Oh, glorious! This mushroom allows Mario to grow taller! This is an astounding phenomenon _WHERE DID THAT PIT COME FROM_." Yet another cry of 'mama mia!', and Steve picked up his controller with a smirk and a triumphant snicker.

Thor frowned as Steve played, then wondered, "Who was that fellow I was controlling? It didn't seem to be Mario."

Clint chimed in with answer this time; "That's Luigi. He's Mario's little brother who kind of sucks at everything. So kind of like Loki only he'll never do any real damage to the world." Thor was quiet as Steve finished the level- the patriotic supersoldier letting out a 'whoop' far too triumphant for the relatively small fear- and his eyes were focused on the floor.

As they moved to the next level, Thor looked up at Steve; "Steven?"

"Yeah?"

"May I guide Mario?"

Steve blinked a few times, then smiled and just handed Thor the other controller.

It took the two blonde Avengers somewhere close to an hour to get through world one, and their enthusiastic shouting drove everyone but an incredibly amused Tony out of the room, said Tony watching with a smirk as Steve and Thor reached the end of the first castle.

Steve's eyes opened wider than ever as he exclaimed, "Oh man is that BOWSER?"

Thor furrowed his brow; "This quest is indeed a short one if we've reached the menace already. Press on, Steven! We must reach the princess and free the realm!" Steve proceeded to frantically press buttons.

"Oh man… Oh man oh man oh man what do I do? I can't attack him I don't have a fire flower darn it!"

Thor stroked his beard until insight struck him like Mjolnir to the face; "… An idea! Steven, the axe!"

"I'm goin' for it- _agh damn it I died!_" It took them two more tries, but Steve finally stomped on the axe and defeated the koopa king.

Steve threw his hands into the air with another triumphant 'whoop', hi-fiving Thor right after; "_YESSSS! _We got him!"

"Let us find the monarch!" Tony couldn't restrain his laughter as the two avengers stared in complete and utter shock as the toad told them their princess was in another castle.

Steve and Thor turned to each other slowly, then said in unison, "_The quest continues_."

Tony left them for an hour or so, fully expecting them to eventually give up. When he came back into the room, Steve proved him wrong as he said in a somewhat exasperated tone, "Okay this is world seven this HAS to be the last castle!" Tony looked to the screen; they'd just beaten world 7-4, and the two of them looked a lot sweatier than they should have.

Thor sighed in relief and said, "Finally, our journey ends and we are reunited with the princess-"

The princess was in another castle. Both of them glared so hard at the NES it should have exploded right then and there.

"Son of a nutcracker," Steve muttered under his breath.

"There's only one more world after this you guys," Tony called from the doorway.

Thor nodded solemnly; "It is worth it for the safety of this realm. Mario and Luigi have suffered long, soon they will know peace."

Tony just chuckled; "It's almost adorable how seriously you're taking this."

Steve blinked at him, looking everything like a confused puppy; "But this is serious business, Tony. Why NOT take it seriously?"

For the first time in a very long time, Tony Stark was at a loss for words.

Somewhat later, Tony groaned, "Okay, you guys, it is _midnight_. I hate to be the voice of reason, but don't you think it's time to call it a night-"

Steve waved him off and frantically replied, "We're almost done, Tony! Thor's fighting Bowser for real this time!" Thor was pressing the buttons so hard the controller was threatening to snap in half, his face not unlike his expression in the heat of battle.

As he made the final leap to the axe, Thor roared out in his booming, God of Thunder voice, "FOR MIDGARD AND THE MUSHROOM KINGDOM, HOOOOOO!" He landed on the axe, Bowser fell into the lava, and Mario was reunited with his princess. Steve and Thor let out exuberant cries and high-fived more times than was ever necessary for anyone to high five. Tony just watched, astonished and somewhat proud all at once.

Steve turned to Tony with a bright smile; "Tony, these video game things are so… Are all of them like this?"

Tony just smiled; "Well, I know Grand Theft Auto is REALLY similar to this game. You're gonna _love it_.


End file.
